If I were divorcing Madonna…

I usually do not care about divorcing celebrities, but I had to laugh out loud when I read a list of demands that Madonna had her people send over to Guy Ritchie, her soon to be ex-husband, in preparation for a visit with his two boys.

The following is a partial list of the 15 or so things that the pop diva mandated during their visit to spend time with their father:

· Under no circumstances should they read newspapers, magazines or watch TV or DVDs.

· They must adhere to a macrobiotic, vegetarian organic diet with no processed or refined foods.

· They should wear the clothes that Madonna sent with them on the flight and at no times should anything be purchased for them that is not 100 percent man-made by Burmese Monks.

· At bedtime, Guy should read the children the English Rose books Madonna wrote and nothing else that is not written by her.

· The boys are not to spend large amounts of time with Guy’s parents.

· Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray at all times.

While I am not a fan of Guy’s, I do know what I would do if I received a list like the following:

The first thing on my list would be a visit to the video store, where I would let my children pick out as many DVDs as they desired. Then, I would rush right over to a pizza restaurant and we would stuff ourselves until me, or one of the boys threw up. Then, before I did anything else, I would take them to a toy store and let them pick out anything and everything they wanted, including a number of gifts for my parents, which would be the next stop on our agenda.

After spending copious amounts of time with my parents, we would go home, lock ourselves in our home and watch TV and play video games for 24 hours, without taking one break to stop and wash their hands. Then, I would read them literally thousands and thousands of books, ensuring that not one of them was written by that pop princess.

After feasting on 24 hours of TV, I would take them out to the country and we would play soccer, rugby, golf and Frisbee until they were exhausted at which point we would head back to my parent’s house for some pie with whipped cream.

Before I returned the children to Madonna, I would take thousands of snap shots of my boys and their smiling faces and compile them all in a photo album for her to peruse. I would also make an additional album for her people who sent me the list, because I would hate for them to feel left out in any manner.

Then, without a prenup in place (because Madonna did not do a prenup with Guy) I would take half of her fortune or somewhere between $250 and $275 million and spend the rest of my life raising my kids how I wanted to raise them.

But that’s just me.