It's up to you...

We have all scripted phone conversations. Whether it was for your girlfriend in high school or business meetings today, each and every one of us have sat down and made out an agenda before picking up the phone.

Sometimes we needed to fill an awkward silence during a conversation. Other times we needed to break a heart or two. We have all been there; we have all used notes to make us sound better on the phone.

Regardless of the situation, the outcome was usually the same: Scripted conversations make you sound smarter than you really are. During a scripted conversation you are more prepared instead of fumbling in search of the perfect words.

So why don’t we script every call? For one, it takes forever. Secondly, it’s tedious. And third, we just don’t want to put the effort into such a simple task. But imagine if we turned our telephone conversations from monotonous monotone marathons to dynamic and fast paced mini-events that could inspire, motivate and manipulate your dearest friends and loved ones.

You’d pay for that.

But how much would you pay? $1,000? $2,000? $10,000?

Well my friends, today’s your lucky day. Because for only $19.95 a month, I will turn your hum-drum telephone calls into notable occurrences. Your conversations will now include jokes, information on current events, banter and manipulation techniques that are guaranteed to make you the hit of your circle of influence.

Suddenly, your calls will sound more like bits on the radio and less like those horrible driver’s education videos in school where all you heard was WA WA WA.

In today’s world, nearly all of our communication is done over the phone or through texting and emailing. You can go years without ever meeting an individual you communicate with. If you could make that person feel better everyday, how much more would he or she like you? How much better would your relationship be with your siblings, parents and or boss?

Imagine it, you see your mom is calling, you log onto my site and before you know it, she is laughing so hard that she completely forgets to ask why you don’t have more kids, have too many kids or don’t have any kids at all. Then, before she can begin to nag you about your diet, you are 3 minutes into a mini-stand-up routine that Chris Rock would be proud of and she hangs up the phone wondering how her child is so completely wonderful.

Or, you're caught with your boss on the phone and he/she is just about to ask you about the important assignment you blew off, when suddenly you throw in a one-liner about the Inauguration and you are off the hook.

But this phenomenal service does not only include inbound calls. You will also receive special notes for birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. But that’s not all, sign up today and you will receive our special “Bad News” package, that includes elegant and thoughtful ways to end relationships, decline party invites and let people know it is time to go on a diet or change their hair.

The ball is now in your court. Through our remarkable technology, you have the power to sound better on the phone. Shouldn’t you put your money where your mouth is…?

PS – I’m kidding….ahhhh, unless you really want to pay me $20 a month. Then, I’m your man.

She has skills...

I was once told that the owner of the Cheesecake Factory has a perfectly pitched palette. He allegedly could determine the exact recipe of an entrée by merely tasting it on the tip of his tongue. He also weighed about 450 pounds, so too much of anything can be bad for you.

And although the Cheesecake Factory is not my favorite place to eat, I admire this man and his skills. I would love to meet him and take him to events with me. Imagine how impressed everyone would be when he told them exactly what is in the fondue. OK, it is not too hard to guess that cheese may be in the fondue, but now you would know once and for all why it is so tasty.

If I could pick a skill, it would have to include some ability to listen to a song on the radio and instantly be able to sing it, verbatim, at a perfect pitch. How great would that be? I hear a song, record it in my mind and then stand up in Chilies and belt it out.

In fact, it would not matter where it was. People would love to hear hits from the 70s, 80, 90s and today sung in front of their eyes. They would be in such awe that they would most likely forget that they were eating dinner with their family before I barged in unannounced, and sat down at their dining room table.

I am not the only one in my family who likes to sing. Cali is the youngest of my five children and can sing for six hours without taking a break. And while this may not be as noteworthy as a perfectly pitched palette, I did witness it first hand yesterday.

Without as much as a pause for refreshment, Cali sang and sang and sang. I would have been proud, if I had not been the cause of her "excitement." Earlier in the day, I was simply minding my own business, watching the second half of the Giants/Eagles game, when I decided to enjoy a Red Bull.

Holly and I had made the choice to run in the morning and I was feeling fantastic. I drank one, which led to two. But two, unlike what all of you are thinking, turned into too much, which left my glass sitting on the coffee table behind the couch.

Being super perceptive, I turned around and saw Cali fishing out the ice from my drink and putting it in her mouth. At this point, I did not know how much ice she had eaten. I would soon find out, it may have been a lot. She began singing and singing and singing. She would not stop. She also did not sit down. She was on fire. A Red Bull fire.

Before you send me hundreds of outraged comments about "How I should be more careful and I should not give Red Bull to a baby" and "It’s a good thing I don’t do crack, because who knows where I would leave it laying around," you need to simply remember that if it were not for Red Bull and its ability to enhance my "efforts," Cali would not be here at all.

So I think we have learned a tremendous lesson today.

Focus on your kids talents and not your own and, while you are at it, tell them to get their own drinks, it's a lot easier that way.

Embarrassed...

Have you ever been in a very uncomfortable situation where you did not know what to say? A situation where you were caught off guard, somewhere between embarrassed and I am going to be really embarrassed when this instance is all said and done?

We have all been there. We have all gotten ourselves into a situation of social suicide. The key: How do you get out? Do you spare someone’s feelings? Are you kind? Do you stand up and take a mea culpa?

Believe me, it matters.

I once picked up a call from a telemarketer who asked me if Mr. Bumhole was home. I told him that he was not home, at least not at the moment (sometimes my wife thinks Mr. Bumhole is always home), and that we would be ending this discussion right now.

“Why?” he preceded to ask. “Ah, because you called me bumhole, that’s why.” Clearly this person was never trained in the fine art of salesmanship and at this moment he had indeed committed social suicide. No matter what he said from this point forward, I was not going to buy his product.

A good salesman would have seen my name on the paper and even if my name was spelled, pronounced and commonly called bumhole, he would have asked if Mr. Boom-Hall-ie was home.

It’s key to accentuate the positive. Some people call this telling people what they want to hear, I simply call it upping your odds of doing business.

Without exception, once you have offended someone, it is virtually impossible to bring them back around. My wife, for example, was offended at a Mexican resort we were visiting. She spent the next five day buying things down the road.

No matter what line of work you are in, you have to be careful not to offend. Usually I am ok, but today I ran across a problem. Like most problems, they always seem to start with someone talking before they have all the facts.

As I was on the phone with a certain individual, I said to him as I was scrolling up the screen to get his email, “To confirm, your email is”…..and then I was just silent. I did not know what to do.

I was caught mid-sentence. As my brain tried to figure out what to say next, I was caught. The email, in case you are all wondering was….assmall@......com. I intentionally left out the service provider so none of you assmalls will email this guy and make my life worse.

In my brain, I kept thinking, “Does this person run a mall where hineys are on sale? Can you just walk in and say, I would like the Jennifer Lopez? Or that one seems firm, I will take that one.”

In my personal case of back-end prosperity, my family thinks I could go bigger. In fact, an Ass Mall just may be the perfect location for an after holiday spending spree.

After 25 seconds or so, the guy let me off the hook, without explaining anything and said, “Oh, you must have my wife’s email address,” which only left me further in the dark. However, in the kindness of his heart, he gave me a new email address where I could reach him and put this entire subject to bed.

And thank goodness for his kindness, because this entire story has really bummed me out.

A Year to Remember...

It’s 2009 and we all know what is coming next. Each and everyone of us will make New Year’s resolutions. Whether we make them in secret or write them down and hang them on our wall, they are there, they exist.

Therefore, because we (over 10,000 people in December) have become so close over the last four months, I will list my resolutions below so you can check my progress and badger me until these goals are accomplished. Then, like all good friends, you can haunt me when I fail.

Therefore, without further hesitation, enjoy my 2009 Resolutions:

1). I resolve to visit OJ Simpson in the Nevada Federal Penitentiary, which is about 25 minutes from my home, and take over his quest to find the real killers in the 1994 slaying of his wife and her lover. Since he is incarcerated at this point, I will personally bring these folks to justice.

2). I resolve to start a national campaign to have Gummy Bears reclassified as a fruit by the Federal Government and eat at least five servings everyday, without the guilt currently associated with this blissful exercise.

3). I resolve to become a better wrapper. At this point, I can’t even wrap a birthday present. I also resolve to become a better rapper and perform in Harlem, but promise to not use any derogatory references to women, my mother or wife.

4). For my wife, I resolve to clean the four toilets in our house everyday, or at last pay someone to do it for me.

5). I resolve to rent an ice cream truck for one of my kids’ birthday parties and let the entire neighborhood pick out and eat as much ice cream as they can, including the expensive bars and rocket pops.

6). I resolve to save at least one bulldog’s life by buying him a sweater, clipping his toes, giving him a bath and making him a king in his new home.

7). I resolve to drink at least one Red Bull a day, whether I need it or not. In addition, I resolve to share at least one Red Bull with Obama, during a face-to-face meeting about the economy.

8). I resolve to get the perfect tan by spending at least one month on the beach in CA or Mexico or a combination of both. At least one month, maybe two.

9). I resolve to make glitter cool for guys to wear. New campaign idea, “Glitter, it is not just for women anymore. Even guys deserve to feel pretty.”

10). I resolve to buy my kids a pony, which really means, make them happy by making their lives better…we all know that a pony is a just a ploy for true happiness, so I will either get them the pony or the happiness, their choice.

PLEASE, feel free to share your resolutions below, we're family now. All 10,000 of us.