Only you can prevent social indignity...

Lately, as I am out to dinner or at other social events, I have been noticing a growing number of etiquette offenses that are overtly disrespectful to others.

Being the kind and compassionate person that I am, I have decided to bare the burden of eliminating these gaffes from our social landscape. And while you may mock my pain, I remind you, sharply, that without social graces, we will eventually lose our souls (OK, not our souls, but maybe we will not dress as nice).

Today, without fear of consequence or retribution, I simply ask why people think it is proper to sit in front of their guests or dates and text others while they are in the middle of a conversation?

Is it not obvious that this course of action is completely offensive? Can’t these texting offenders see that this individual who is a mere eight feet from their face is giving them their full time and attention?

Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid texter. I know the thrill of receiving a text and the excitement of responding. But this has gone too far. It has become an epidemic. How can we as a people sit back and enjoy our texting, when the person in front of us is sitting there, staring into space.

In all actuality, texting someone who is not with you is a ruse. This individual does not care about you at all. They did not drive across town to be with you. No sir. They are lazily sitting in their office or at home, texting you, and dare I say hundreds of others, looking for something to release the boredom from their uninspiring lives.

In proper context, the person in front of you is the person who truly cares about you. They are committed; they don’t have anywhere else to go. They care about you.

However, not one to be a scrooge in these types of instances I have created ten loopholes, where if these circumstances arise, you may feel free to engage in as much texting discourse as needed.

But remember, with knowledge comes power. Do NOT try to fake any of the following occurrences to satisfy your texting fix, as it will only come back to haunt you when you are discovered to have been unfaithful to your guest:

1. Your house is on fire. Note: This can not be a kitchen fire or a grease fire. Your entire house has to be engulfed in a full five-alarm fire. People must be evacuated and your kids must be in the process of being accounted for.

2. Your car has been repossessed, and you are currently up on all of your payments. If you are not up on all the payments, sit and suffer in a texting silence.

3. Your mother, who is over the age of 60, has just been told that she is pregnant. Your father was not involved.

4. You won the lottery or hit a hard eight hoppin’ playing craps in any Las Vegas casino.

5. You have to get an arm or leg amputated tomorrow. If this procedure will occur in a week or later, please text about it after your acquaintance has returned to his/her home.

6. Your kid or kids have just been sent to jail.

7. You just saw a naked and somewhat questionable photo of yourself in Playboy, which looks like it was taken while you were trying on new clothes at the Gap or Banana Republic. If the photo was taken while you were changing at Old Navy, then you lose all opportunity to text as you have to expect that this will occur in that store.

8. The University of Utah goes undefeated for the entire season and ends up in the BCS championship game.

9. Whenever Justin Brown is in town.

10. You see the perfect new suit coat on sale.

If your situation does not fall into one of these categories, you must not text. If you refuse to obey these rules, you are in grave danger of seeing your phone or texting device thrown out the window of a fast moving car; tossed in the garbage at a nice restaurant or dropped in the pool, ocean or any body of water.

Good night and may tomorrow bring about a new level of social awareness in you and throughout your family.