A gift for the holidays...

In one of Jerry Seinfeld’s comedy bits he describes being tested for hearing in elementary school and about his desire to be the best at everything. He said that after testing him, “He wanted the doctor to pronounce that he had super hearing, capable of eliminating misery for all of mankind.”

Similarly, I have that same desire, but mine does not revolve around hearing, but is based on real and monumental accomplishments that, by being better and finding success, will ultimately assist society as a whole to achieve happiness and fulfillment that has been unattainable.

You see, my goal is simple. I want to be the fastest ever at those new self-service check out stands in all of the grocery stores. You have seen the self-service checkout line, the ones that are filled with people who have no idea how to work them. These machines are so baffling that people simply walk out of the store, after hours of trying to make it through the isle, leaving in a fit of frustration and despair.

To many people, these self-service checkout machines are like jail sentences without the opportunity for parole. They, like OJ, know that when they go in, there is no coming out, no matter what.

They are doing 7-10 years without any chance for a conjugal visit or a good job in the kitchen. I hear that those two things are really the only hope you have of making jail bearable.

As one of the fastest self-service checkout professionals in the world, I see the long lines and people fumbling with their groceries and my heart goes out to them. Not in an “I want to help you sort of way,” more like a “I'm sorry that you are going to lose to me (even though you don't even know that it's a competition)” sort of way.

I breeze through these lines. I scan, place my item into the bag (which is key, because the computer knows how much a product weighs and won’t let you go on until it senses the weight) and hit the payment key. I pass the coupon section, use the pay pad and I am done. 10 seconds flat. A new world record.

In fact, I am so good at this that I know all of the grocery chains are secretly watching me; trying to persuade me to come in and teach their check-out team the secrets of my success. In my mind, I understand that these stores are in the midst of a disorganized chaos so severe that my mere presence would increase the stores' operating income.

Yes, I know I have a gift, but unlike Superman, Batman, Doctors and hairstylists, I rarely use my gift for good and almost always use it for my own selfish rewards. But what are you really going to do; I am a unique specimen with a superhuman talent. I’m bound to be a Diva.